It happened again last weekend. While catching up with some old friends at a town festival, the conversation took that dreaded turn: "Well, you're still working at the University of Chicago, right?"
Normally, I would have been flattered that they remembered where I had studied and worked so many years ago, but instead, it felt like an emotional blow. Did I need to defend my decisions? Was our society's stance on motherhood, and feminist dogma really so narrow-minded?
Let me back-up. I had already introduced my 3 year old and 18 month old. When asked "what are you doing now," I had enthusiastically answered "I'm a mommy!" So that dreaded question was laden with disbelief that I was not still acting as an academic, or at least a "professional." They went on to encourage me to "use that degree again sometime, because it is so impressive."
In the past, I've racked up many of these so-called compliments. I've heard "I'm sure you're a great mom, but I still think that brain of yours could be doing more." Their intention may be to praise my intellect, or to acknowledge past accomplishments, but in reality, they are questioning my priorities. More importantly, it insinuates that my child's rearing is less important and requires less intellect than the latest scientific or professional endeavor.
I will not dispute that there are plenty of people short on intellect who are raising children. These are the people we usually judge should not be raising children. Or these are the couples for whom we would whole-heartedly endorse child-rearing classes. But on the other hand, we uphold a notion that our best and brightest are somehow too good for staying at home with their children. We, as a society, seem to subconsciously believe that those who are most competent should be in the workforce, contributing "tangibly" to society (because money is the tangible by which we can assess the relative value of work). The question becomes: should the job of child-rearing be left wholesale to the lesser qualified or under-achieving? Is that really what we, as a society, want?
It has become cliche' to say "mothering is so hard," or "mothering is so important." However, I question the sincerity of those statements with every insinuation that a stay-at-home mom is wasting her potential. Or a stay-at-home father, for that matter.
Obviously, I believe that giving any child the best opportunities is our priority as parents, and as a society. When did we decide that intelligent, competent women were "overqualified" to raise children? Don't get me wrong, I don't judge those who have chosen daycare or nanny options in order for both parents to earn an income or to devote themselves to their careers. But, I do believe that it is an appropriate allocation of human resources for children to be raised by an over-achieving neurobiologist. As my sister (who was an attorney in her former life before children) pointed out: Raising children is likely to have a more profound impact on this world than anything she could have done as a high-profile litigator. Again, I'm not diminishing the value of neurobiology or law. I am simply asserting the equal value of child-rearing.
And while I'm on my rant, here's another point: There is no such thing as being "just" a stay-at-home mom. The idea of a 45-minute train ride when I peruse the latest copy of my favorite magazine, followed by a great cup of coffee that I get while chatting with a coworker before planting myself in front of a phone and computer, sounds downright serene. No offense office-goers, but I think that office work is pretty stinkin' easy in comparison to my days. Yes, even my memories of getting bitten by feisty rats pale in comparison. You see, when you are devoted to raising children, every second counts. Every second of setting an example, encouraging compassion, supporting curiosity, and feeding their bodies and minds. You know, creating life and then supporting it with every available opportunity, and trying to stay one step ahead the whole time.
While feminism seems to have deemed that doing as a typical male would do is the definition of gender equality, I disagree. Perhaps gender equality is better accomplished by embracing and truly valuing the contributions that women make in all facets of society, including the very difficult job of mothering. After all, my children are the accomplishment that I believe is "so impressive."
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